Midnight Journal of a Follower
When I look back at all I’ve left behind, I’d be a fool to give up now. When I consider all I’ve laid on the alter, I cannot bear to cross the bridge behind. At times my heart gets scared of what lies ahead, and I wonder where went the courage and faith I had when I began, it only reminds me of how human I am, and how that I cannot make it across by sight alone.
Other times the road is so rough and I wonder how much longer it will last, I try to make up possibilities in my mind, but even I realize how insufficient even my imagination is.
This is a walk of faith I signed up for. I knew I wouldn’t be able to predict tomorrow. I knew I didn’t know what was beyond the door, yet I agreed to step into it. Sometimes faith is like hallucination, and then we get hit by reality, and suddenly our once strong and enthusiastic mind becomes a home for all kinds of doubts and fears.
At this point from all I’ve known, there is nothing else that really works like going back to the beginning, to listen again to all He said before the journey began. True, He said so many things which I didn’t then understand, and it will be unfair for me to think that He abandoned me along the way.
He knew such days will come and so He had asked me to keep my eyes on Him. He promised to be my shield which meant I should expect arrows. He promised to be my protector which means I should expect trouble. He promised to be my provider which means I should expect to have needs. He promised to be my guide which means I should expect to sometimes feel lost, confused and afraid.
Looking back again at where it all began, I now see that He never really promised a smooth ride, He however promised a safe landing.
At this point, it’s really hard for me to say thank you for the experience. I am only just getting used to them. I don’t feel like I like every bit of it yet. I just need Your hands to lift me out of where I am now. But my hope is that someday in the future, I will be able to look back and say “thank you for the fears, thank you for the worries, thank you for the troubles and thank you for the needs – because they taught me to trust You, and they revealed to me the reality of who you are”.
I really do hope to sing that in the future, but now O Lord, what I need is strength to hold on and faith to keep moving.